Perfect day

For HER

08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.

08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.

12:45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg.

13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.

15:00 Nap.

16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.

16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror.

19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners / dancers

22:00 Hot shower (alone)

22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen.

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

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For HIM

06:00 Alarm

06:15 Blow job

06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages.

07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked buxom wench.

07:30 Limo arrives.

07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport.

09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.

09:30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)

09:45 Play front nine (2 under)

11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.

12:15 Blow job.

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)

14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo

15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)

16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.

17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.

18:45 Shit, shower and shave.

19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised.

19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.

21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day. England 11: Germany 0.

22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies).

23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.

00:15 Night cap blow job.

00:30 In bed alone.

00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.